Emotional Roller Coaster

Lately I have been feeling very emotional, I cant explain why...but I can say that its been constant. When it finally hit me was on Fathers Day, my sister wanted to get together and then go see my dad, well I havent gone to see him since last year and I feel that if I would go I would need to be alone...every time I go I break down, I miss him ALOT. I literally will sit on his grave ( ok next to him) and cry and talk to him as if he can hear me and hes there. I told her I wouldnt be able to go that I would need to go alone, I also cancelled going out with them mainly because I had a migraine and Oni wanted a quiet day at home. I dont know why but with this pregnancy I find myself missing him ALOT more than normal. He passed away 21yrs ago, I always miss him, but never to where I just think about him and start crying....I cant even talk about him anymore because it will make me want to start bawling...I just wish he was here it seems like the older Im getting the more I miss him. My father in law has been a wonderful father figure for me and great grandfather to the grls, he has accepted me and Akira without hesitation into the family and has always embraced us....he never makes us feel like we dont belong. Last year he had a bypass........10 of them and couldve died....it made me feel like I was loosing my father all over again, we dont have a father daughter relationship but we have a close one enough to where he always will ask how I feel and what Im doing and thinks about me when he cooks...he makes me my favorites more now than ever! haha.....I dont know I hope I can control my emotions a little more. Im afraid the baby will come out always sad or always crying if I dont control myself...... I just wish he was here to see me be pregnant and I wonder what hed be thinking.... just writing this makes me want to cry.........